Listening is an act of love

I'm reading two books at the same time; yes, I do this a lot actually! Both are by Daniel H. Pink. One is Drive; the surprising Truth about what Motivates Us. The other is A Whole New Mind; Why Right-Brainers Will rule the World. . I bought these for two reasons. I wanted to know more about how to motivate people to look at the caregiving experience as more of a journey than a treadmill. The other was to generate new ideas in the Alzheimer coaching world to meet the challenges of the caregiver and the person with the diagnosis better.
One statement made in A Whole New Mind is the title of this blog post; listening is an act of love. Now, all my Stilmee coaches love their work. They want to help caregivers. I wonder, are we listening a lot as an act of love? Stories tell more about a person than a fact sheet ever can. Doctors who first listen to their patient will learn more than the one that interrupts the patient after about 20 seconds (yes, that is the average time a doctor listens to his patient).
I instruct caregivers to come with a list of about 5 (no more) concerns for the doctor. I was delightfully surprised the day when I went for my yearly physical and was handed a paper to write down the concerns I wanted addressed. My doctor had bought a new computer setup with a swivel chair facing me (last time she was looking at the computer affixed to the was and I sat behind her) and even invited me to share what was on the screen. She listened bless her soul. What a difference in the way I felt and the visit was shortened by far over the last time.
In nursing we are forced to check off boxes on a computer screen to 'prove' we know our patient well. All systems must be charted on every 8 hours; digestion, heart rate, urinary tract, etc. How are we getting this information? I think a lot of it is just that; checking boxes to the detriment of really knowing our patients. In my traiings in the hospital I emphasize connection. How many times do we actually connect with our patients? It is all about relationship.
Back to caregiving. People with dementia have slow processing cognitively, meaning that what is said is absorbed slower than normal and processing what they will say in return is slower. So we must wait...and listen...and listen some more. Ask the next question (make sure it is a closed-ended on that is easier to answer).
People with dementia need to be heard. That can only happen if we listen. Tell a story of a time you shared with them. State the feeling you had at that time. Then ask, did you have a similar feeling? That is a closed ended question. Then WAIT...listen and learn who that person is at that time. Caregiving is all about connection and relationship. To connect well we must listen.